I’ve done it, guys! Finally moved in to my new apartment in Canada. Still exhausted from the move, but the good news for you is I am now able to offer Skype video hypnosis sessions again, and I am going to continue offering the text hypnosis sessions as they have proved to be so popular.
As I am sure you can imagine, furnishing a new place from scratch is expensive. I’ve made a start on my Amazon Wishlist so if you feel like contributing you can do so by clicking HERE. In the coming days I plan on updating the “Serving Me” pages and re-instating my wish-list page but as I’ve just moved in it’s literally one thing at a time right now.
I’m still unpacking and figuring out what else I need so my wish list will continue to evolve as I do. Any and all support you’re able to offer is very much appreciated!
Very much looking forward to being able to enjoy Skype video sessions once again, both with my regular boys and new clients 🙂
I’ve touched on the concept of humiliation before in my blog and why I don’t use/encourage it but someone contacted me today and raised a really interesting point about humiliation and a perspective I’d never considered so I want to share it (and my thoughts) with you. It does get a little personal and may be triggering as there is talk of emotional abuse so please be aware of that before you continue reading.
The main idea was that yes, humiliation in BDSM focuses on the “traditional” forms of humiliation – put downs/asking the sub to complete humiliating tasks, etc, but that there is another more insidious form: the humiliation of being “found out” by people who aren’t aware of your kink and who don’t approve.
The idea that kinksters are aware of at least the possibility of humiliation – that its risk is a natural consequence of engaging in activities in which society “as a whole” does not particularly understand or approve. The potential shame of being mocked or humiliated or ostracized for your indulgences.
I’d never really considered this aspect so it took me by surprise. I had to think to myself – honestly – would I be ashamed if people found out? I sort of half expected the answer to be yes due to years of social conditioning, but in all honestly whilst I think I would potentially have to deal with some negative impacts/feelings (depending on who found out – most of my “circle” (friends/family) knows, but some don’t) but I don’t believe that shame/humiliation would be among them. Annoyance, frustration, potentially anger at the fall-out (some people may cut me out of their lives, some may throw insults at me) but not shame.
That kind of intrigued me until I realized the rather depressing reason behind why I think, for me, humiliation doesn’t come into it. Growing up I endured a lot of emotional abuse at the hands of my parents – especially my mother. I don’t want or expect pity for this. It happened, I’ve dealt/am dealing with it. I only mention it here as context for the larger point I am trying to make about perspectives on humiliation and why I never use humiliation.
Growing up humiliation was the norm for me – it was my comfort zone because it reinforced my beliefs about myself which were fed to me by my folks. Receiving a compliment was at best uncomfortable and at worst almost painful because it jarred with what I “knew” to be “true” about myself. I thought people were mocking me, or were working an “angle” because they wanted something from me. It’s a very unpleasant and fucked up head-space and I suspect a lot of desire for humiliation stems from abuse because the abuser has trained the sub to believe that they deserve to be humiliated – that it is their “norm” – and it becomes, in a sick and twisted way, their “comfort zone”. Being humiliated reinforces their beliefs about themselves rather than challenging them with compliments which ironically become uncomfortable.
It’s taken me many years but I am in a much better head-space – I’ve more or less made peace with myself and accepted how fucked up the emotional abuse from my parents was (they still do it, but I’m now largely immune). It took a lot of time, a lot of effort and a lot of pain if I’m honest, to get to a more positive, self-accepting place. I still suffer from depression and anxiety but I’m also much more confident in myself and enjoy accepting genuine compliments (unless they’re about my feet. I’m not a fan of my feet which is why you never see them. Haha).
Building my self worth took a lot. Changing my inner monologue from “you’re worthless” to “you’re amazing” took a lot. I’m not arrogant and I recognize I’m not perfect but I like to celebrate my positives. I encourage my boys to do the same. It’s why I *never* use humiliation. I know that dark place. I understand the twisted “pleasure” and how poisonous it is. I will never, ever inflict that on one of my boys. I see my role as a Domme as being one of encouragement and support – in lifting them and encouraging them to be the best version of themselves they can be. I want to build their confidence and self-esteem rather than tearing it down. I don’t need to humiliate my boys to be in control and I don’t want to.
I also believe this is why I am not humiliated at the prospect of being “found out”. I am not ashamed of what I do and why should I be? Someone may not agree with my lifestyle but that does not mean I don’t have every reason to be proud of what I do. I am a purveyor of hypnotic pleasure. I transform fantasies into reality. Go ahead – tell me that is not an absolutely insanely amazing thing to be able to do!
Thoughts and comments are always appreciated – please feel free to share below.
Humiliation has no place in the fetish scene. A bold and contentious statement if ever there was one. I’m sure there are Dom/mes and subs alike who would actively disagree with me on this front and argue that humiliation is fine and can be enjoyed. I disagree.
I consider myself a pretty liberal person – my stance for the most part is that as long as it’s legal and consensual, who am I to judge? For me, though, humiliation is one of the exceptions. I fundamentally disagree with it and my heart breaks when I see someone seeking out humiliation/expressing a desire to be humiliated. Why? Because in my experience it never comes from a healthy place.
When I was first starting out and exploring the fetish landscape I had a client who came to me wanting to be humiliated. I indulged him but felt uneasy doing so. After the session we talked and I asked him about his reasons for wanting to be humiliated. He was very gracious and shared openly with me, but his reasons were depressing. In essence growing up he had been regularly humiliated and emotionally abused to the point where the pain had “twisted” into a fetishistic need on his part.
I can already hear you saying “don’t judge a fetish by one person’s experience”, and you’re right. Whilst I have since refused to offer humiliation as a service, I have spoken with people who have had this fetish and every single time the story behind the fetish has been negative. Not once has the fetish evolved from a healthy place. It’s a psychological equivalent in my eyes of seeking out self-harm or validation that you are somehow “less than” or “deserving” of humiliation.
In my mind a Dom/me should be a safe space for a sub. Someone to reinforce positive emotions rather than enforce negative. I do appreciate that the process can encompass areas I may not personally like – e.g. pain – but pain, done properly and professionally has a purpose – it releases endorphins among other things. I may not personally agree with it, but I can see the appeal. To me, humiliation has no upsides. It’s reinforcing negativity which is not healthy/.
I value my boys and encourage them to be the best versions of themselves I can be. I want to lift them up, not drag them down. Yes I sometimes playfully tease some of my boys (the ones I know well and have a good relationship with) but that never strays into humiliation. Yes, I push their boundaries at times (again when I know them well) but it is done with the intention of building my boys up and enhancing the experience without abusing their trust or making them believe that they are somehow “less” than me.
A weak dominant in my experiences often tries to assert their control by putting down the other person – by suggesting that person is weak and needs to be put in their place. In reality the weak dominant needs to do this to try and validate their own precarious position. A strong dominant doesn’t need to humiliate, or constantly verbalise the fact that they claim to be in control. It’s simply assumed and borne out by attitude and body language. I am by no means overly dominant but my boys still know who is in control. They don’t fear me or potential punishment. They serve me because they want to. Because they trust me and because they know that I always have their best interests at heart. I don’t need to threaten or manipulate or put down. I support them and encourage to push their boundaries and limits and because they know me, trust me and are comfortable with my intentions they trust me. That trust earns me far more respect than fear or humiliation ever would.
I don’t want my boys broken and humiliated – I want them to be confident and self-assured, both in themselves and their submission to me. I want them to feel empowered to use their initiative rather than expecting to have every move dictated to them. If I allow you to serve me I become responsible for you and your wellbeing when you are under my control. Deliberately choosing to erode someone’s self worth through humiliation is completely at odds with that.
Leaving aside the effects on the sub, inflicting humiliation on someone doesn’t come from a good place either. If someone pushes me to breaking point I can be exceptionally verbally venomous (I have reduced grown men to tears before simply by using my voice). It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s not something I would ever employ again as a “service”. When I have done it in the past it has been when I have been pushed to the limit and all my attempts to mitigate/de-escalate the situation have failed. It’s never made me feel good, nor has it it ever helped me. It’s not the type of behaviour I enjoy experiencing or encouraging. I suppose if I were a genuine sadist I may take a different view, but for the vast majority of people there is nothing to be gained by giving or receiving humiliation.
Just my 2 cents on the matter. I appreciate and respect other’s will hold different views and believe that if we all liked the same things then life would be very boring indeed.
2018 is finally here…a new year with new opportunities and no doubt obstacles to overcome. I must admit I’ve been pretty introspective the last few weeks, thinking about what I’ve achieved already and what I want to achieve moving forward. It’s coming up for 2 years since I officially started doing hypnosis professionally (although the first year was part time) and I’ll be honest – it’s been one hell of a journey.
I told myself from the outset that if I was going to pursue hypnosis I was going to do it my way, on my own terms. I’ve been very lucky in that I have been able to hold true to my ideals – to pursue something I love without having to excessively compromise. To be able to be myself and not worry about putting on a fictional persona, constantly having to think about if I am “in character”. I get to do what I want, how I want it. But that has come with sacrifices and I’d be stupid not to acknowledge that.
If I had marketed myself as a “traditional” hypnoDomme I have no doubt that I would have gained more traction. A lot of clients do have expectations of fulfilling a fantasy – to them, the integrity of the personality delivering the fantasy may not be important, or perhaps as I’ve commonly found they’re expecting a traditional FemDomme experience which also incorporates hypnosis. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. I cannot emphasize that enough. But because I do not neatly fit into a category of what is already a niche area it’s made things that little bit more tricky. Yes, I do incorporate some Domme elements into hypnosis sessions with some clients but I don’t primarily identify as a Domme. I’m happy to experiment and push boundaries (my new recording “FuckToy” is one example of that) but my main focus has always been erotic hypnosis – using hypnosis for pleasure. Those of you who know me know that I am a big fan of pleasure and hypnosis is a fantastic tool for exploring its possibilities.
I also love Skype sessions. I’m developing a reputation for being somewhat of an over enthusiastic geek when it comes to hypnosis, but I can live with that. I’m passionate about what I do and I’m not ashamed of that. It brings me such joy to watch people who’ve held an interest in hypnosis for so long and yet struggled to trance enjoy their first experience…to watch them unlock their potential and slip so deeply and easily into trance…to see their happiness and excitement when they realise what’s happened and then respond instantly and powerfully to post-hypnotic triggers. Also watching clients evolve…not everyone learns in the same way or at the same pace and I for one enjoy the journey…seeing the evolution of their experience and capabilities.
I am so grateful to those of you who sought me out and support me. Without your generosity I wouldn’t be able to spend time indulging in hypnosis – something I love doing so much. Every recording and/or Skype session you buy, every testimonial you leave, every recommendation you make to others…it all helps more than you will ever know. I do what I can to give back to the hypno community with free recordings and advice to those who are new to the scene but the more financial support I have from you guys, the more time I have to invest in hypnosis – plus you get a wonderful session and/or recording to enjoy so it’s a win-win.
Gifts are another unexpected perk of what I do. Starting out, for the longest time I had people asking me when I was going to publish a wish list. For a long time I resisted as I wanted to take time to get my head round the ethical implications (ethics are of immense importance to me). Eventually I relented and published a wish list and have been overwhelmed by the generosity you guys (and girls) have shown. Gifts are never expected but it makes my little heart happy to see that all the effort and passion I put into what I do is recognised and appreciated.
It’s been one hell of a journey so far…I’ve learned a lot and continue to learn more every day. I am blessed with the friendships I enjoy with many of my regular clients and relish the challenges and opportunities new clients bring. When someone says to me nervously that they’re not expecting much as they’ve struggled before they often look confused when my eyes light up and I get excited. It’s because I know that the odds are that I can help them. Obviously nothing in life (bar death and taxes) is guaranteed but although I’ve lost track of the number of people I’ve hypnotised over the years, I’d say my success rate is probably still in the 97-99% range which means I can afford to be pretty confident.
I’m hoping that my business will continue to grow and flourish. It hasn’t been without its setbacks so far (poor financial advice from accountant means my annual tax bill is double what I’d budgeted for. ouch!) but I remain positive. I’d love the opportunity to be able to travel more this year…to visit friends and to explore. WIth your support I can do that. And in return you get to enjoy a powerful, pleasurable hypnotic experience. Win-win I say!
I do worry sometimes that humanity and reason are too easily cast aside when certain people indulge in fantasy. I mean, there’s nothing inherently wrong with enjoying a fantasy – quite the opposite – but sometimes it does come at the expensive of the object of that fantasy. My reasoning is based on the D/s dynamic, but also hypnosis as a fetish. As a hypnoDomme I have lost count of the number of times over the years I have endured people being rude, trying to manipulate me, top from the bottom (pretend to be submissive whilst simultaneously attempting to dominate/control interactions). For what it’s worth, I don’t think the majority of those encounters were deliberately malicious. I think that some people get so lost in their fantasy that they forget that they’re dealing with a real, living breathing person. Especially over the internet where people do have a tendency to become “keyboard warriors” when hidden behind the safety of a computer screen, which additionally acts as a further barrier to “reality”.
Except….for every ignorant moron who does behave inappropriately (luckily they’re relatively uncommon – I’ve just been doing hypnosis for a long time!) there are many, many more who remain polite, respectful and are an absolute joy to interact with. They’re polite and respectful but also take great pleasure in engaging with hypnosis, so there’s a shared passion to be explored and enjoyed and when this is done in an environment which fosters mutual respect and communication it can be a really beautiful thing.
I think that both the hypnotist and the subject will enjoy the experience more if they acknowledge each other’s humanity – there is a perception among some that hypnoDomme’s are somehow “other” – they sit aside/above subjects and demand to be worshipped. Some Dommes may actively encourage such behaviour and if they explicitly request this then great – the ground rules for engaging them have been made clear, but please, please, please don’t automatically assume all hypnotists are the same! We’re people, we’re human and we have our own interests, wants and needs. The best way for you to discover if a hypnotist matches up with what you’re looking for is to ask, rather than simply assume. Any hypnotist worth their salt will be happy to answer any questions you have, and once you’ve asked your questions you’re in a much better position to make an informed decision about whether a hypnotist/hypnoDomme is right for you. If you don’t ask and simply assume then you run the risk of upsetting them and/or incurring their wrath, which you really don’t want to do ;).
I say this as someone who straddles the hypnotist/hypnoDomme divide. Yes, some of my work has Domme elements, but at the end of the day it’s not how I identify myself. If you ask me, I’ll say I am a hypnotist who loves sharing pleasure in all its forms, and who enjoys experimenting. My experimenting happens to cover erotic and recreational hypnosis, so some of it does fall under the “hypnoDomme” remit, but at the same time I am not a lifestyle hypnoDomme. You wouldn’t know all this about me unless you asked (or, as in this case I chose to share), so it is worth doing your research. Also – and I like to think other hypnotists would agree with me here – respect and manners cost nothing, but they go a long way to showing us that you value and respect us for us, not because we’re the embodiment of some selfish little fantasy you have. That respect is worth a lot.
This is a bit of a random blog, even for me, but as it is an issue which crops up more than I’d like (not a lot, but still too much) I just wanted to share a gentle reminder that whilst, yes, I am f*cking awesome as a hypnotist (modesty out the window there for a second!), I am also a human being who appreciates manners and respect. You’ll also find that you can engage with myself and likely others on a deeper level because you’ve chosen to behave this way, so it’s a win-win.
Anyhow…hope you enjoy my somewhat meandering musings and I would love to hear your thoughts 🙂
Okay…so this has been on my mind for a while. How do you define being Dominant (or submissive for that matter, but that’s for another post!)?
I appreciate that it’s a rather delicate and subjective topic, but I’ve never been one to shy away from exploring ideas. Of course, any views I give her will by their very nature be my own personal opinion (and feel free to substitute Dom for Domme if it makes more sense to you), but comments are always welcomed and appreciated so if you have any thoughts please feel free to share them in the comments section.
This blog post is a little difficult for me to write as I don’t really self-identify as a Domme – certainly not a lifestyle Domme. I identify as someone who specialises in erotic hypnosis, but who most of the time is a pretty chilled back, affable lady who doesn’t feel the need to assert herself in every situation. Unless I am specifically in the mood, consciously and deliberately asserting control doesn’t appeal. That concept of control, however, is, to my mind fundamental but at the same time concerning…let me try and explain:
A quick google of the dictionary definition of “domination” comes back with someone who “has power and influence over others”, but I think in the “scene”, as it were, it’s morphed into more than that and the concept of “Domme” has its own identity but there’s a lot of room for variation. A humiliatrix, for example would also identify as a Domme (most likely), but one can identify as a Domme without resorting to humiliation. The core concept at the centre of this definition is that of control – the assumption being that the Dominant party has the control.
Think about this for a moment, though. I think there’s a disparity between the fantasy and the reality of the situation – not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, but it’s worth bearing in mind. If we assume that control is central to the D/s dynamic then I would argue that it is the submissive that essentially has the ultimate control as they always retain the absolute right to say no/decline what is asked of them. I’m not saying they’d necessarily act on this (especially in the hands of an experienced Domme who they trust) but fundamentally, at a basic level they are in possession of that control.
So if a Domme is not in full control of a situation then what sets her apart as a Domme? Again, this is my subjective view but I would suggest that it is self-awareness, confidence and an awareness of responsibility. I’d always recommend staying away from people who are loud/bossy/obnoxious – in my experience the more that someone tries to continually tell you they’re “in control” the less they actually are (often of themselves, let alone the situation). You want to look out for the quieter, self-assured ones. The ones who don’t have to tell you that they’re in control of their own situation because they make it clear by their actions rather than their words. No one can always 100% control themselves or their situation, but the quiet, self assured confidence that the more experienced Dommes bask in is more often than not the “real deal”. It’s not so much about exerting control as it is about gaining trust and respect. If you trust and respect someone and you’re naturally of a submissive nature then you’re more likely to do what they ask of you. A good Domme (to my mind) will know that they are worthy of respect, but will also be aware they they have a responsibility towards those that serve them.
As a Domme you are responsible for your submissive’s physical and emotional well-being. You need to take responsibility for when and how far you can push their boundaries without breaking them. You need to be there to support them and you always need to respect them and their right to say no at any time. It is (and should be) a big deal and a big commitment. It should be a pleasurable experience for both parties, but the Domme also has to account for a lot of additional responsibilities that the submissive doesn’t and a good Domme will take this into account. They won’t be selfish or continually demanding. They won’t make it always about them. Elements of the aforementioned may be incorporated, depending on the dynamics of the relationship (just like incorporation of physical pain through whipping, etc, may contribute to the sub’s well-being) – that’s an issue between two consenting adults. My point is that there is a balance that needs to be found to ensure that both parties are getting what they need out of the relationship and that neither is being taken advantage of – and that balance can be tricky to accomplish.
A lot of Pro Domme’s to my mind offer the illusion of control – and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, I want to make that explicitly clear – but there are deeper and more fundamental dynamics around respect and trust which I feel are often overlooked in favor of the concept of “control” and what I wanted to do with this blog was just to work out some thoughts that have been rumbling around my head for a while. As I am not in the D/s scene (one can be an erotic hypnotist without being a Domme) I fully admit I may have missed out some things/misunderstood others. I’m not averse to amending my opinions if I discover I’m wrong. I’d love to hear your thoughts so please feel free to leave a comment below!