Interpretations of dynamics and meanings can be rather fluid in the context of kink. Necessity of consent and awareness of what one is consenting to is held up as one of the “golden rules”, but I’ve found that understanding of the Dominant and submissive dynamics can be rather variable. Some people believe that to be dominant/in control you have to be loud or “in your face” and proactively “dominate” the submissive – demanding submission, insisting particular commands be followed, etc. Submissive people exist to be dominated. Except they don’t….attempting to dominate someone in such an aggressive and overbearing manner should, I would hope, be met with outright rejection.
Submission is not something that can or should be taken or demanded by a dominant individual. You don’t need to be loud or brash to be dominant – in fact personally I take the view that the more overtly “dominant” someone is, the less in control they actually are. They use the loud/in your face approach to try to compensate for their lack of actual control. Plus, being dominant doesn’t just mean being in control of others – to be genuinely dominant a steady level of self-control and awareness also has to apply.
So – how does this apply to the submissive dynamic? Well, submissiveness is surprisingly misunderstood. There are many, many misconceptions including the idea that if someone is submissive that they are submissive toward any dominant person. This idea is utter nonsense but is surprisingly prevalent. The reality is that it is entirely possible to not be submissive (or even have a tendency toward an alpha personality), except toward a handful of people or perhaps even a single individual. I have multiple boys who day-to-day are successful alpha businessmen but toward me they feel submissive. It surprised many at first and there was definitely an adjustment period for them as they came to terms with what this meant and how it would play out in their day-to-day lives. Many were worried that being submissive toward me would mean that they would/could become more generally submissive but they soon learned that this wasn’t the case. Submission is selective. The submissive chooses who they desire to offer their submission to.
Submission cannot be taken from someone by force. It cannot (and should not) be demanded. Submission is a valuable gift, offered by the submissive individual to someone that they trust and respect. It is given over time as trust and mutual understanding develops and is established. It’s entirely possible to feel submissive to someone whilst at the same time taking your time to offer your submission – waiting until you understand the implications of what you are offering and what you will receive in return.
The dominant party should understand and respect the fact that the acknowledgement and offer of genuine submission is an invaluable gift and respond and behave appropriately. The acceptance of an individual’s submission comes with certain responsibilities. The level of that responsibility will depend on mutually agreed terms. D/s is a dynamic. One that is continually evolving and requires the ongoing and freely given consent and understanding of both parties. The “dominant” party isn’t “dominating” so much as accepting the gift of submission and its associated responsibilities. Yes the dynamic is different on both sides, but both also have responsibilities and an obligation to ensure open and honest communication is maintained.
Submissives should never be made to feel obligated to surrender/submit, nor should they be demeaned/made to feel worthless or somehow “less than”. Attempting to do this is not being dominant – it’s being abusive.
My style of dominance is quiet – I am not loud/overt but my boys are never left in any doubt as to who is in control. They also know that I respect their gift of submission, take it seriously and always have their best interests at heart. Genuinely and freely given submission to someone you trust is liberating. My boys are liberated under my control and encouraged to be the best versions of themselves that they possibly can be for me. For their part, they give consideration to my wants and needs. They serve diligently and selflessly using their own initiative to find ways to please me. The result? A positive and stable dynamic that offers security and stability to my submissive and makes my life better as well. It’s mutually beneficial.
Remember to never undervalue the gift of submission. Either given or received. It is precious, has worth, and ought to be recognised as such. Embracing submission should enrich your life as well as the life of the individual you offer it to. Submission isn’t meek. It isn’t passive. It requires action, dedication and recognition of its value as well as of how submission can be of value to the person you serve. Submission should be selfish and selfless. Your satisfaction should derive from your proactive service to the individual you have chosen to surrender to. That individual should also be worthy of your submission.
You can be submissive to one or to many. You define your submission. You define its parameters and what you are comfortable with. A good Domme may push your limits (with consent), but they will also respect them and never break them. As a submissive you have a valuable gift to offer, but remember it is up to you to decide who is worthy of the gift and you define its value by your dedication. As a submissive you are not passive or less than. You are not unworthy. To successfully embrace your submission you need to appreciate your worth and also make a genuine effort to be worthy. To apply yourself and be genuine in your offering.
Any thoughts on what I’ve written? Have something to say? Leave a comment below.
I’ve touched on the concept of humiliation before in my blog and why I don’t use/encourage it but someone contacted me today and raised a really interesting point about humiliation and a perspective I’d never considered so I want to share it (and my thoughts) with you. It does get a little personal and may be triggering as there is talk of emotional abuse so please be aware of that before you continue reading.
The main idea was that yes, humiliation in BDSM focuses on the “traditional” forms of humiliation – put downs/asking the sub to complete humiliating tasks, etc, but that there is another more insidious form: the humiliation of being “found out” by people who aren’t aware of your kink and who don’t approve.
The idea that kinksters are aware of at least the possibility of humiliation – that its risk is a natural consequence of engaging in activities in which society “as a whole” does not particularly understand or approve. The potential shame of being mocked or humiliated or ostracized for your indulgences.
I’d never really considered this aspect so it took me by surprise. I had to think to myself – honestly – would I be ashamed if people found out? I sort of half expected the answer to be yes due to years of social conditioning, but in all honestly whilst I think I would potentially have to deal with some negative impacts/feelings (depending on who found out – most of my “circle” (friends/family) knows, but some don’t) but I don’t believe that shame/humiliation would be among them. Annoyance, frustration, potentially anger at the fall-out (some people may cut me out of their lives, some may throw insults at me) but not shame.
That kind of intrigued me until I realized the rather depressing reason behind why I think, for me, humiliation doesn’t come into it. Growing up I endured a lot of emotional abuse at the hands of my parents – especially my mother. I don’t want or expect pity for this. It happened, I’ve dealt/am dealing with it. I only mention it here as context for the larger point I am trying to make about perspectives on humiliation and why I never use humiliation.
Growing up humiliation was the norm for me – it was my comfort zone because it reinforced my beliefs about myself which were fed to me by my folks. Receiving a compliment was at best uncomfortable and at worst almost painful because it jarred with what I “knew” to be “true” about myself. I thought people were mocking me, or were working an “angle” because they wanted something from me. It’s a very unpleasant and fucked up head-space and I suspect a lot of desire for humiliation stems from abuse because the abuser has trained the sub to believe that they deserve to be humiliated – that it is their “norm” – and it becomes, in a sick and twisted way, their “comfort zone”. Being humiliated reinforces their beliefs about themselves rather than challenging them with compliments which ironically become uncomfortable.
It’s taken me many years but I am in a much better head-space – I’ve more or less made peace with myself and accepted how fucked up the emotional abuse from my parents was (they still do it, but I’m now largely immune). It took a lot of time, a lot of effort and a lot of pain if I’m honest, to get to a more positive, self-accepting place. I still suffer from depression and anxiety but I’m also much more confident in myself and enjoy accepting genuine compliments (unless they’re about my feet. I’m not a fan of my feet which is why you never see them. Haha).
Building my self worth took a lot. Changing my inner monologue from “you’re worthless” to “you’re amazing” took a lot. I’m not arrogant and I recognize I’m not perfect but I like to celebrate my positives. I encourage my boys to do the same. It’s why I *never* use humiliation. I know that dark place. I understand the twisted “pleasure” and how poisonous it is. I will never, ever inflict that on one of my boys. I see my role as a Domme as being one of encouragement and support – in lifting them and encouraging them to be the best version of themselves they can be. I want to build their confidence and self-esteem rather than tearing it down. I don’t need to humiliate my boys to be in control and I don’t want to.
I also believe this is why I am not humiliated at the prospect of being “found out”. I am not ashamed of what I do and why should I be? Someone may not agree with my lifestyle but that does not mean I don’t have every reason to be proud of what I do. I am a purveyor of hypnotic pleasure. I transform fantasies into reality. Go ahead – tell me that is not an absolutely insanely amazing thing to be able to do!
Thoughts and comments are always appreciated – please feel free to share below.
This may seem like a rather dry/boring topic to cover but it is a very important one. It’s very easy, especially if you’re new to the scene, to get caught up in the flurry of excitement and pleasure and lose track of how much you’re spending. You risk overspending/spending beyond your means and losing control of the experience which is really not something that you want.
I want to offer you some advice, support and suggestions to help you really make the most of your hypnosis experience so that it can be an enjoyable and sustainable pleasure in your life. Please note that I am not a qualified financial adviser. I am not offering formal advice – simply friendly suggestions.
If you already have a hypnotist in mind to work with, then you should know their pricing for the various services they offer (mp3s, videos, customs, phone sessions, skype sessions and/or in-person sessions depending on the hypnotist). If you don’t already have a hypnotist in mind then I would recommend starting by reading my blog post “How to select a suitable hypnotist” first, then returning to this blog post as a follow up.
Step 1: Set your budget
So – let’s say you have a hypnotist you enjoy and want to support. First step – what is your budget? This can either be a hard and fast limit, or relatively flexible. Though if you add in “flex”, also add a firm cap. Say your budget is 300 per month maximum for hypnosis (I’m plucking a random figure out of the air), but you feel you can “stretch” that, place an absolute cap – so 350. Unless you are incredibly disciplined, don’t assume you can “borrow” from your budget month to month…so you spend 400 one month and assume you can rein yourself in and spend 200 the next month to balance things out. That’s a dangerous path to go down and not one i would recommend.
It’s important that you are realistic with your budget and only budget what you can legitimately afford for what is ultimately an “entertainment” expense.
Step 2: Formalise your “wish list”
what works for you and what do you want? Do mp3’s work for you? Is that all you’re after? Or would you like a live session to help you improve your ability to trance? Do you want/need one session (or a handful) to achieve what you have in mind, or would you like to make live sessions a regular thing? You can always speak with your hypnotist/hypnoDomme to get their input and suggestions, but at the end of the day you’re compiling your wishlist.
Also factor in whether you expect to send tributes and if so, how much and how often. You may not be sure at this stage so it’s perfectly okay to take an educated guess. Your wish list is a work in progress and is flexible. At this stage we are looking to get a better idea of what you want so we can see if we can make it tally with your budget, which is the next step.
Step 3: Bringing together your wishlist and budget
Alright…so, first thing to do is tally up how much your “ideal” month costs. So could be purchase of three recordings, two one hour live sessions and a 150 tribute. Recordings will vary, so you can average them out…for the sake of this example let’s say the average 20 each. Live sessions cost 150 each. We decided earlier that our budget was 300 a month so already it’s obvious that we are way over.
That’s okay – it’s given us a starting point to work from. So we could drop to one, one hour live session and adjust the tribute and lower it to bring us in budget…or two live sessions and no recordings or tributes. There’s no right or wrong way to work this, and the formula may change month to month as well…it’s simply intended as a flexible way to help you maintain your budget.
Why is it so important to have a budget?
Basically because when you’re caught up in something new, fun and insanely pleasurable it’s very easy to get carried away. If you blow your budget in the first month, it may spook you and put you off hypnosis and if it doesn’t and you keep on spending without budgeting you risk overspending in the longer-term which will have its own negative consequences which we obviously want to avoid.
Budgets don’t have to be rigid – you know yourself and if you’re honest with yourself you’ll be able to calculate how much leeway is reasonable. But having the assurance of a budget that you stick to will be a weight off your mind as you don’t have to worry about the financial implications – you can relax and enjoy your trance experience without being distracted and that is priceless.
An incredibly important, yet often overlooked aspect to enjoying erotic hypnosis involves giving careful and (arguably more importantly) honest consideration to what exactly it is you want to get out of the experience.
You could be indulging in erotic hypnosis for any number of reasons – curiosity, indulging a fetish/kink, exploring submission. These are all perfectly reasonable and legitimate reasons. You may even not be sure yet exactly what it is you do want from the experience. That’s okay, too.
What is vitally important, however, is that you are honest with yourself and your hypnotist. Honesty gives you a more genuine experience and allows your hypnotist to better tailor your experience to what you want.
I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I have had clients tell me that their primary goal is submission – they want to submit to me and see hypnosis as a tool for deepening their submissive desires. Fantastic – except when it’s not what you actually want, and instead your genuine intention is to play out a particular fantasy or kink. Playing out a fantasy or indulging in a kink isn’t inherently wrong in any way (I can’t begin to emphasize this enough), but misleading your hypnotist is. It can lead to misunderstandings and potentially uncomfortable scenarios where the hypnotists suggestions don’t correlate with what you wanted. The hypnotist is working on the basis of you wanting to embrace genuine submission and you are working on the basis of playing out a specific fantasy you have.
Submission is just that – choosing to submit to the will/instruction of another individual who you trust and respect. Playing out a fantasy is selfish (and I don’t imply this in a negative way). You’re focusing on your own needs and desires rather than those of the person you are “submitting” to. Genuine submission is selfless – your satisfaction comes from serving and pleasing the person you have chosen to submit to.
We all deserve to have our needs met (assuming they’re legal/don’t harm others and all other common sense disclaimers that may apply), and personally speaking as long as you’re honest with me about what you want I am often happy to oblige. I am a big fan of pleasure and have built a career around making fantasies reality. It’s all good. Just don’t mislead me by telling me one thing when you mean/actually want something else as this kind of miscommunication can and does have consequences. It can make situations uncomfortable when we’re not both on the same page and neither of us want that, do we?
If you’re not entirely sure what you want – tell me. It’s okay. We can work it out together. Open, honest communication is absolutely essential to a healthy, fun and fulfilling experience. It may be that you think you want to embrace submission but after dipping your toe in the water you find that actually you’re more attracted to the kink aspect and you don’t like the commitment of genuine submission. Or perhaps you initially tell me that this is primarily a kink for you and then down the line you discover it’s become more and you really want to take things to the next level and genuinely submit and surrender to me and my control.
All these scenarios are fine as long as you are honest. I know I keep hammering on about this, but it is so vitally important. Honesty and communication are the foundations upon which a strong, healthy dynamic is built. I am primarily an erotic hypnotist – I also include Domme elements with some clients. This means I can adapt depending on what needs/desires you communicate to me.
Being honest with me and yourself will allow allow you to enjoy a more immersive, fulfilling experience. Take time. Think about what you want. Tell me. Simple!
What opinions do you have on this topic? Have you spent a lot of time really thinking about what it is you want? I want you to share your thoughts in the comments below.
Humiliation has no place in the fetish scene. A bold and contentious statement if ever there was one. I’m sure there are Dom/mes and subs alike who would actively disagree with me on this front and argue that humiliation is fine and can be enjoyed. I disagree.
I consider myself a pretty liberal person – my stance for the most part is that as long as it’s legal and consensual, who am I to judge? For me, though, humiliation is one of the exceptions. I fundamentally disagree with it and my heart breaks when I see someone seeking out humiliation/expressing a desire to be humiliated. Why? Because in my experience it never comes from a healthy place.
When I was first starting out and exploring the fetish landscape I had a client who came to me wanting to be humiliated. I indulged him but felt uneasy doing so. After the session we talked and I asked him about his reasons for wanting to be humiliated. He was very gracious and shared openly with me, but his reasons were depressing. In essence growing up he had been regularly humiliated and emotionally abused to the point where the pain had “twisted” into a fetishistic need on his part.
I can already hear you saying “don’t judge a fetish by one person’s experience”, and you’re right. Whilst I have since refused to offer humiliation as a service, I have spoken with people who have had this fetish and every single time the story behind the fetish has been negative. Not once has the fetish evolved from a healthy place. It’s a psychological equivalent in my eyes of seeking out self-harm or validation that you are somehow “less than” or “deserving” of humiliation.
In my mind a Dom/me should be a safe space for a sub. Someone to reinforce positive emotions rather than enforce negative. I do appreciate that the process can encompass areas I may not personally like – e.g. pain – but pain, done properly and professionally has a purpose – it releases endorphins among other things. I may not personally agree with it, but I can see the appeal. To me, humiliation has no upsides. It’s reinforcing negativity which is not healthy/.
I value my boys and encourage them to be the best versions of themselves I can be. I want to lift them up, not drag them down. Yes I sometimes playfully tease some of my boys (the ones I know well and have a good relationship with) but that never strays into humiliation. Yes, I push their boundaries at times (again when I know them well) but it is done with the intention of building my boys up and enhancing the experience without abusing their trust or making them believe that they are somehow “less” than me.
A weak dominant in my experiences often tries to assert their control by putting down the other person – by suggesting that person is weak and needs to be put in their place. In reality the weak dominant needs to do this to try and validate their own precarious position. A strong dominant doesn’t need to humiliate, or constantly verbalise the fact that they claim to be in control. It’s simply assumed and borne out by attitude and body language. I am by no means overly dominant but my boys still know who is in control. They don’t fear me or potential punishment. They serve me because they want to. Because they trust me and because they know that I always have their best interests at heart. I don’t need to threaten or manipulate or put down. I support them and encourage to push their boundaries and limits and because they know me, trust me and are comfortable with my intentions they trust me. That trust earns me far more respect than fear or humiliation ever would.
I don’t want my boys broken and humiliated – I want them to be confident and self-assured, both in themselves and their submission to me. I want them to feel empowered to use their initiative rather than expecting to have every move dictated to them. If I allow you to serve me I become responsible for you and your wellbeing when you are under my control. Deliberately choosing to erode someone’s self worth through humiliation is completely at odds with that.
Leaving aside the effects on the sub, inflicting humiliation on someone doesn’t come from a good place either. If someone pushes me to breaking point I can be exceptionally verbally venomous (I have reduced grown men to tears before simply by using my voice). It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s not something I would ever employ again as a “service”. When I have done it in the past it has been when I have been pushed to the limit and all my attempts to mitigate/de-escalate the situation have failed. It’s never made me feel good, nor has it it ever helped me. It’s not the type of behaviour I enjoy experiencing or encouraging. I suppose if I were a genuine sadist I may take a different view, but for the vast majority of people there is nothing to be gained by giving or receiving humiliation.
Just my 2 cents on the matter. I appreciate and respect other’s will hold different views and believe that if we all liked the same things then life would be very boring indeed.
What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below.