Humiliation has no place in the fetish scene. A bold and contentious statement if ever there was one. I’m sure there are Dom/mes and subs alike who would actively disagree with me on this front and argue that humiliation is fine and can be enjoyed. I disagree.
I consider myself a pretty liberal person – my stance for the most part is that as long as it’s legal and consensual, who am I to judge? For me, though, humiliation is one of the exceptions. I fundamentally disagree with it and my heart breaks when I see someone seeking out humiliation/expressing a desire to be humiliated. Why? Because in my experience it never comes from a healthy place.
When I was first starting out and exploring the fetish landscape I had a client who came to me wanting to be humiliated. I indulged him but felt uneasy doing so. After the session we talked and I asked him about his reasons for wanting to be humiliated. He was very gracious and shared openly with me, but his reasons were depressing. In essence growing up he had been regularly humiliated and emotionally abused to the point where the pain had “twisted” into a fetishistic need on his part.
I can already hear you saying “don’t judge a fetish by one person’s experience”, and you’re right. Whilst I have since refused to offer humiliation as a service, I have spoken with people who have had this fetish and every single time the story behind the fetish has been negative. Not once has the fetish evolved from a healthy place. It’s a psychological equivalent in my eyes of seeking out self-harm or validation that you are somehow “less than” or “deserving” of humiliation.
In my mind a Dom/me should be a safe space for a sub. Someone to reinforce positive emotions rather than enforce negative. I do appreciate that the process can encompass areas I may not personally like – e.g. pain – but pain, done properly and professionally has a purpose – it releases endorphins among other things. I may not personally agree with it, but I can see the appeal. To me, humiliation has no upsides. It’s reinforcing negativity which is not healthy/.
I value my boys and encourage them to be the best versions of themselves I can be. I want to lift them up, not drag them down. Yes I sometimes playfully tease some of my boys (the ones I know well and have a good relationship with) but that never strays into humiliation. Yes, I push their boundaries at times (again when I know them well) but it is done with the intention of building my boys up and enhancing the experience without abusing their trust or making them believe that they are somehow “less” than me.
A weak dominant in my experiences often tries to assert their control by putting down the other person – by suggesting that person is weak and needs to be put in their place. In reality the weak dominant needs to do this to try and validate their own precarious position. A strong dominant doesn’t need to humiliate, or constantly verbalise the fact that they claim to be in control. It’s simply assumed and borne out by attitude and body language. I am by no means overly dominant but my boys still know who is in control. They don’t fear me or potential punishment. They serve me because they want to. Because they trust me and because they know that I always have their best interests at heart. I don’t need to threaten or manipulate or put down. I support them and encourage to push their boundaries and limits and because they know me, trust me and are comfortable with my intentions they trust me. That trust earns me far more respect than fear or humiliation ever would.
I don’t want my boys broken and humiliated – I want them to be confident and self-assured, both in themselves and their submission to me. I want them to feel empowered to use their initiative rather than expecting to have every move dictated to them. If I allow you to serve me I become responsible for you and your wellbeing when you are under my control. Deliberately choosing to erode someone’s self worth through humiliation is completely at odds with that.
Leaving aside the effects on the sub, inflicting humiliation on someone doesn’t come from a good place either. If someone pushes me to breaking point I can be exceptionally verbally venomous (I have reduced grown men to tears before simply by using my voice). It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s not something I would ever employ again as a “service”. When I have done it in the past it has been when I have been pushed to the limit and all my attempts to mitigate/de-escalate the situation have failed. It’s never made me feel good, nor has it it ever helped me. It’s not the type of behaviour I enjoy experiencing or encouraging. I suppose if I were a genuine sadist I may take a different view, but for the vast majority of people there is nothing to be gained by giving or receiving humiliation.
Just my 2 cents on the matter. I appreciate and respect other’s will hold different views and believe that if we all liked the same things then life would be very boring indeed.
What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below.