Okay…this is going to be an interesting one for me to write as I myself do not identify as submissive. But, I already wrote a blog post entitled “What does it mean to be Dominant?” so I felt it was only fair to attempt to address the balance. In view of my non-submissive nature I suspect this blog is going to end up being more of a “what are my expectations of someone who approaches me as a submissive”, but we’ll see. (I don’t pre-write my blog posts – much like writing my scripts I simply let the words flow and see where I end up.
The main problem I have in trying to pin-point what it means to be submissive is that submissiveness covers such a wide range of potential attitudes and behaviors. Googling a dictionary definition for submission tells me that submission is defined as someone who is “ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive”. That’s a good start, but off the top of my head I can think of so many different…categories I guess?….of submission:
- Role-play: People who enjoy role-playing submission but are not actually submissive.
- Sexually submissive: enjoy being submissive in the bedroom but not necessarily outside of it.
- Selfish submissives: those who think they are submissive but want to be so on their own terms and attempt to dictate what they want.
- Submit but not serve: typically alpha guys (in my experience) who are looking for a temporary escape from being in control and always wanting to make decisions.
- Lifestyle submissives: people who identify as being submissive as a lifestyle choice. Have a desire to obey and serve.
Now, as I am not really “in” the BDSM scene there may well be other variations I’ve missed out. If so, forgive me.
In my own experience in the world of hypnoDommes and Erotic Hypnosis I have come across all sorts of individuals. I admit I always slightly raise an eyebrow if someone I barely know tells me they want to submit to me/be my slave (if only because I don’t have slaves and if you knew me well enough to offer genuine submission you’d know that. But I digress…). Mentally I always file such individuals as role-players or selfish. That’s not to say my position won’t change – it may transpire they’re new to the scene and figuring everything out, for example – but first impressions do count for a lot.
To my mind making the decision to consciously submit to someone else and hand over control is a big deal. It is a decision that should be borne of mutual understanding and trust, and it is imperative that the Dominant party understands and appreciates the responsibility they are taking on in accepting the gift of submission.
If you genuinely identify as submissive then you possess an innate desire to serve and please, but it is important that you do not allow others to take advantage of your desires. To my mind a healthy balance (to a degree) should also be maintained which is why I do not encourage my boys to obey without question (unless it’s a post-hypnotic trigger…in that case they really don’t have any choice in the matter). I encourage dialogue, and I encourage development and expression of their own thoughts and opinions. Being submissive does not and should not mean that you are not allowed to hold/express your own opinions. Yes, the Dominant party may make the majority of the decisions and may have the final say, but the submissive’s perspective and opinion should always be taken into account. Expressing an opinion does not make you any less submissive. Quite the opposite – it shows a willingness to engage in the relationship (as long as it is done respectfully and constructively).
I know that some Domme’s prefer to take as much control as possible; make as many decisions as possible and generally maximise any potential for control. Some subs also enjoy and appreciate this. But there is a whole range of possibilities. I am more laid back and quietly assertive but my boys do not question that I am the Dominant in the relationship. I encourage them to express themselves and be the best possible version of themselves that they can be as their behavior not only reflects back on me as their Domme, but as their Domme I also have a responsibility to them – to take care of them. It’s a responsibility I take very seriously. I also personally do not want a slave who always does everything I ask. I want my boys to feel confident to challenge me when appropriate – they may be right, they may not but I like knowing that they feel confident enough in our dynamic to do so. I want my submissive boys to feel empowered by their submission, not a slave to it. I know that if I ask or command my boys to do something they will do so because they genuinely enjoy serving me and they know I would never take advantage. Other Dommes prefer a more “traditional” submissive who is very openly submissive in their attitude. There is no right or wrong. I am sure that my attitude horrifies some of a more traditional subbie nature, but those traits are the same that my boys – that have chosen me and I have accepted – happen to find my attitude syncs well with their desires and expectations and when you get that mesh of ideals – that’s when the magic happens!