Okay…so this has been on my mind for a while. How do you define being Dominant (or submissive for that matter, but that’s for another post!)?
I appreciate that it’s a rather delicate and subjective topic, but I’ve never been one to shy away from exploring ideas. Of course, any views I give her will by their very nature be my own personal opinion (and feel free to substitute Dom for Domme if it makes more sense to you), but comments are always welcomed and appreciated so if you have any thoughts please feel free to share them in the comments section.
This blog post is a little difficult for me to write as I don’t really self-identify as a Domme – certainly not a lifestyle Domme. I identify as someone who specialises in erotic hypnosis, but who most of the time is a pretty chilled back, affable lady who doesn’t feel the need to assert herself in every situation. Unless I am specifically in the mood, consciously and deliberately asserting control doesn’t appeal. That concept of control, however, is, to my mind fundamental but at the same time concerning…let me try and explain:
A quick google of the dictionary definition of “domination” comes back with someone who “has power and influence over others”, but I think in the “scene”, as it were, it’s morphed into more than that and the concept of “Domme” has its own identity but there’s a lot of room for variation. A humiliatrix, for example would also identify as a Domme (most likely), but one can identify as a Domme without resorting to humiliation. The core concept at the centre of this definition is that of control – the assumption being that the Dominant party has the control.
Think about this for a moment, though. I think there’s a disparity between the fantasy and the reality of the situation – not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, but it’s worth bearing in mind. If we assume that control is central to the D/s dynamic then I would argue that it is the submissive that essentially has the ultimate control as they always retain the absolute right to say no/decline what is asked of them. I’m not saying they’d necessarily act on this (especially in the hands of an experienced Domme who they trust) but fundamentally, at a basic level they are in possession of that control.
So if a Domme is not in full control of a situation then what sets her apart as a Domme? Again, this is my subjective view but I would suggest that it is self-awareness, confidence and an awareness of responsibility. I’d always recommend staying away from people who are loud/bossy/obnoxious – in my experience the more that someone tries to continually tell you they’re “in control” the less they actually are (often of themselves, let alone the situation). You want to look out for the quieter, self-assured ones. The ones who don’t have to tell you that they’re in control of their own situation because they make it clear by their actions rather than their words. No one can always 100% control themselves or their situation, but the quiet, self assured confidence that the more experienced Dommes bask in is more often than not the “real deal”. It’s not so much about exerting control as it is about gaining trust and respect. If you trust and respect someone and you’re naturally of a submissive nature then you’re more likely to do what they ask of you. A good Domme (to my mind) will know that they are worthy of respect, but will also be aware they they have a responsibility towards those that serve them.
As a Domme you are responsible for your submissive’s physical and emotional well-being. You need to take responsibility for when and how far you can push their boundaries without breaking them. You need to be there to support them and you always need to respect them and their right to say no at any time. It is (and should be) a big deal and a big commitment. It should be a pleasurable experience for both parties, but the Domme also has to account for a lot of additional responsibilities that the submissive doesn’t and a good Domme will take this into account. They won’t be selfish or continually demanding. They won’t make it always about them. Elements of the aforementioned may be incorporated, depending on the dynamics of the relationship (just like incorporation of physical pain through whipping, etc, may contribute to the sub’s well-being) – that’s an issue between two consenting adults. My point is that there is a balance that needs to be found to ensure that both parties are getting what they need out of the relationship and that neither is being taken advantage of – and that balance can be tricky to accomplish.
A lot of Pro Domme’s to my mind offer the illusion of control – and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, I want to make that explicitly clear – but there are deeper and more fundamental dynamics around respect and trust which I feel are often overlooked in favor of the concept of “control” and what I wanted to do with this blog was just to work out some thoughts that have been rumbling around my head for a while. As I am not in the D/s scene (one can be an erotic hypnotist without being a Domme) I fully admit I may have missed out some things/misunderstood others. I’m not averse to amending my opinions if I discover I’m wrong. I’d love to hear your thoughts so please feel free to leave a comment below!