I’ve touched on the concept of humiliation before in my blog and why I don’t use/encourage it but someone contacted me today and raised a really interesting point about humiliation and a perspective I’d never considered so I want to share it (and my thoughts) with you. It does get a little personal and may be triggering as there is talk of emotional abuse so please be aware of that before you continue reading.
The main idea was that yes, humiliation in BDSM focuses on the “traditional” forms of humiliation – put downs/asking the sub to complete humiliating tasks, etc, but that there is another more insidious form: the humiliation of being “found out” by people who aren’t aware of your kink and who don’t approve.
The idea that kinksters are aware of at least the possibility of humiliation – that its risk is a natural consequence of engaging in activities in which society “as a whole” does not particularly understand or approve. The potential shame of being mocked or humiliated or ostracized for your indulgences.
I’d never really considered this aspect so it took me by surprise. I had to think to myself – honestly – would I be ashamed if people found out? I sort of half expected the answer to be yes due to years of social conditioning, but in all honestly whilst I think I would potentially have to deal with some negative impacts/feelings (depending on who found out – most of my “circle” (friends/family) knows, but some don’t) but I don’t believe that shame/humiliation would be among them. Annoyance, frustration, potentially anger at the fall-out (some people may cut me out of their lives, some may throw insults at me) but not shame.
That kind of intrigued me until I realized the rather depressing reason behind why I think, for me, humiliation doesn’t come into it. Growing up I endured a lot of emotional abuse at the hands of my parents – especially my mother. I don’t want or expect pity for this. It happened, I’ve dealt/am dealing with it. I only mention it here as context for the larger point I am trying to make about perspectives on humiliation and why I never use humiliation.
Growing up humiliation was the norm for me – it was my comfort zone because it reinforced my beliefs about myself which were fed to me by my folks. Receiving a compliment was at best uncomfortable and at worst almost painful because it jarred with what I “knew” to be “true” about myself. I thought people were mocking me, or were working an “angle” because they wanted something from me. It’s a very unpleasant and fucked up head-space and I suspect a lot of desire for humiliation stems from abuse because the abuser has trained the sub to believe that they deserve to be humiliated – that it is their “norm” – and it becomes, in a sick and twisted way, their “comfort zone”. Being humiliated reinforces their beliefs about themselves rather than challenging them with compliments which ironically become uncomfortable.
It’s taken me many years but I am in a much better head-space – I’ve more or less made peace with myself and accepted how fucked up the emotional abuse from my parents was (they still do it, but I’m now largely immune). It took a lot of time, a lot of effort and a lot of pain if I’m honest, to get to a more positive, self-accepting place. I still suffer from depression and anxiety but I’m also much more confident in myself and enjoy accepting genuine compliments (unless they’re about my feet. I’m not a fan of my feet which is why you never see them. Haha).
Building my self worth took a lot. Changing my inner monologue from “you’re worthless” to “you’re amazing” took a lot. I’m not arrogant and I recognize I’m not perfect but I like to celebrate my positives. I encourage my boys to do the same. It’s why I *never* use humiliation. I know that dark place. I understand the twisted “pleasure” and how poisonous it is. I will never, ever inflict that on one of my boys. I see my role as a Domme as being one of encouragement and support – in lifting them and encouraging them to be the best version of themselves they can be. I want to build their confidence and self-esteem rather than tearing it down. I don’t need to humiliate my boys to be in control and I don’t want to.
I also believe this is why I am not humiliated at the prospect of being “found out”. I am not ashamed of what I do and why should I be? Someone may not agree with my lifestyle but that does not mean I don’t have every reason to be proud of what I do. I am a purveyor of hypnotic pleasure. I transform fantasies into reality. Go ahead – tell me that is not an absolutely insanely amazing thing to be able to do!
Thoughts and comments are always appreciated – please feel free to share below.
It’s been an interesting journey for me, hypnosis. For years it was a hobby until after 2 years of persuasion, a good friend friend encouraged me to go pro. I’ve been doing hypnosis full time for around a year now and it’s been such an incredible experience. The freedom it’s given me – both in terms of creative expression and simply time (I set my own schedule) has been absolutely invaluable.
Whilst my primary focus has always been on the live Skype hypnosis sessions which I absolutely love (and which testimonials suggest are also loved by those who enjoy such sessions with me), I’ve also been building a catalogue of recordings. I wanted to share my top 5 mp3’s right now. My favorites change often depending on my moods, but these 5 recordings (offered in no particular order of preference) are the ones that currently make my little heart happy:
This recording will always hold a special place in my heart as it was the first mp3 I ever made. It’s deliciously dark…a seductive story that leads you on a journey of obedience and surrender…enthralls you with the power of submission. It’s a story that draws you in…nourishes and plays your desire to submit. I take you out for the evening…control you…and build the anticipation.
This is a confusion induction recording. Confusion inductions can be tricky to execute correctly – especially in recordings as you have no way of accurately gauging how the individual who is listening is responding. Still – I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge and I have to say I am really, really pleased with how this recording has turned out. It’s very effective but it’s also not too “hard” as some confusion inductions can be. It’s not intended to overwhelm and confuse in an uncomfortable way. It’s fun and ephemeral and whimsical…inviting you on a surreal journey loosely based on that of Alice in Wonderland. A really fun and unusual recording that I am very proud of.
This was one of my first forays into the more direct dominant style which is typical of hypnoDommes. Generally my style is quieter…more seductive. But this time I wanted to explore my dominant side and let it out to play for a little while. “Surrender & Obey” was the result, and boy have you boys responded to it. It’s a consistently popular file and encouraged me to explore my darker, more directly dominant side more which led to…
This started out as an experiment. I wanted to push the limits of dominance and pleasure whilst still maintaining my boundaries. A direct, intense and dominant file, I’ve made sure there is absolutely no humiliation. That was very important to me. This recording took a long, long time to come together as I was pushing my own boundaries…discovering what was possible and how I could incorporate intense domination into my typically softer style and approach. But this recording, once finished, worked. And boy does it work! It’s probably one of my most popular recordings to date and I love that I get to completely unleash my inner Domme and remind you who is in control…moulding you to become my obedient fucktoy. It’s deep and intense and powerful.
If you know me then you know I love pleasure. I love encouraging people to enjoy and embrace pleasure. To discover new pleasure. To push the limits of pleasure…and that’s exactly what this recording does. Perfectly. You know what an orgasm is – well a mindgasm is the mental equivalent. Flooding your mind with waves of intense, orgasmic pleasure. I love this recording because it’s so pleasure focused and because it is so, so effective.
You can explore these recordings and more by checking out my MP3 and Video shop as well as listening to samples.
If you’ve enjoyed any of the above recordings I would love to hear your thoughts so please share your comments here.
Humiliation has no place in the fetish scene. A bold and contentious statement if ever there was one. I’m sure there are Dom/mes and subs alike who would actively disagree with me on this front and argue that humiliation is fine and can be enjoyed. I disagree.
I consider myself a pretty liberal person – my stance for the most part is that as long as it’s legal and consensual, who am I to judge? For me, though, humiliation is one of the exceptions. I fundamentally disagree with it and my heart breaks when I see someone seeking out humiliation/expressing a desire to be humiliated. Why? Because in my experience it never comes from a healthy place.
When I was first starting out and exploring the fetish landscape I had a client who came to me wanting to be humiliated. I indulged him but felt uneasy doing so. After the session we talked and I asked him about his reasons for wanting to be humiliated. He was very gracious and shared openly with me, but his reasons were depressing. In essence growing up he had been regularly humiliated and emotionally abused to the point where the pain had “twisted” into a fetishistic need on his part.
I can already hear you saying “don’t judge a fetish by one person’s experience”, and you’re right. Whilst I have since refused to offer humiliation as a service, I have spoken with people who have had this fetish and every single time the story behind the fetish has been negative. Not once has the fetish evolved from a healthy place. It’s a psychological equivalent in my eyes of seeking out self-harm or validation that you are somehow “less than” or “deserving” of humiliation.
In my mind a Dom/me should be a safe space for a sub. Someone to reinforce positive emotions rather than enforce negative. I do appreciate that the process can encompass areas I may not personally like – e.g. pain – but pain, done properly and professionally has a purpose – it releases endorphins among other things. I may not personally agree with it, but I can see the appeal. To me, humiliation has no upsides. It’s reinforcing negativity which is not healthy/.
I value my boys and encourage them to be the best versions of themselves I can be. I want to lift them up, not drag them down. Yes I sometimes playfully tease some of my boys (the ones I know well and have a good relationship with) but that never strays into humiliation. Yes, I push their boundaries at times (again when I know them well) but it is done with the intention of building my boys up and enhancing the experience without abusing their trust or making them believe that they are somehow “less” than me.
A weak dominant in my experiences often tries to assert their control by putting down the other person – by suggesting that person is weak and needs to be put in their place. In reality the weak dominant needs to do this to try and validate their own precarious position. A strong dominant doesn’t need to humiliate, or constantly verbalise the fact that they claim to be in control. It’s simply assumed and borne out by attitude and body language. I am by no means overly dominant but my boys still know who is in control. They don’t fear me or potential punishment. They serve me because they want to. Because they trust me and because they know that I always have their best interests at heart. I don’t need to threaten or manipulate or put down. I support them and encourage to push their boundaries and limits and because they know me, trust me and are comfortable with my intentions they trust me. That trust earns me far more respect than fear or humiliation ever would.
I don’t want my boys broken and humiliated – I want them to be confident and self-assured, both in themselves and their submission to me. I want them to feel empowered to use their initiative rather than expecting to have every move dictated to them. If I allow you to serve me I become responsible for you and your wellbeing when you are under my control. Deliberately choosing to erode someone’s self worth through humiliation is completely at odds with that.
Leaving aside the effects on the sub, inflicting humiliation on someone doesn’t come from a good place either. If someone pushes me to breaking point I can be exceptionally verbally venomous (I have reduced grown men to tears before simply by using my voice). It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s not something I would ever employ again as a “service”. When I have done it in the past it has been when I have been pushed to the limit and all my attempts to mitigate/de-escalate the situation have failed. It’s never made me feel good, nor has it it ever helped me. It’s not the type of behaviour I enjoy experiencing or encouraging. I suppose if I were a genuine sadist I may take a different view, but for the vast majority of people there is nothing to be gained by giving or receiving humiliation.
Just my 2 cents on the matter. I appreciate and respect other’s will hold different views and believe that if we all liked the same things then life would be very boring indeed.
I firmly believe that a lot of people who have submissive tendencies (especially people not already accustomed to the BDSM/fetish scene) shy away from labeling themselves as submissive, or even indulging their submissive side because they disagree with the commonly held view that to be submissive is to be less than, to be open to being humiliated/degraded or even to mean that if you’re submissive you’re meant to be submissive to anyone who asserts themselves as dominant.
If you’ve only recently discovered/accepted/embraced your submissive tendencies and you are otherwise vanilla and unfamiliar with the BDSM/kink scene then many of the “assumptions” made about what it means to be submissive can range from simply confusing to downright off-putting if you’re still unsure about what it means and how you feel.
I’ve seen comments that subs are “worthless” or “beneath” dominants, and there is regular insinuation or open talk of humiliation and degradation which personally I find very unpalatable. I do appreciate that being submissive encompasses a broad range of possibilities in terms of how the individual’s submission is expressed but my concern is that the more extreme elements appear to dominate and I worry that this may be alienating/pushing away many submissives who don’t identify with these.
Being submissive doesn’t necessarily make you submissive in general. Many of my boys choose and/or feel submissive only to me. Feeling unexpectedly submissive toward someone when you don’t identify as submissive (and/or typically identify as an alpha personality) can be confusing. Especially when you research and see so many references to humiliation and degradation. What if you feel submissive but don’t want to be humiliated? Does that mean you’re not submissive? Then why do you feel submissive?
Whilst some Dom/mes can use humiliation as a tool as part of submission (consensually, one would hope), I don’t see it as an inherent part of submission. At its essence, submission is just that – a desire to submit. Yes there are a lot of add-ons which are dependent upon the individuals personal kinks, but submission doesn’t have to be complex. It often is for a variety of reasons, but it doesn’t have to be.
For my part, I refuse to humiliate those who choose to be submissive to me. I do not see them as beneath me or “less than” in any way, shape or form. My own personal take is that submission is a gift which should be offered to someone who you trust and respect, and who in turn respects you. The recipient of the gift of submission/surrender should appreciate its value and treasure it appropriately. Genuinely offered submission is precious and should be treated as such.
A Dominant has a responsibility to their subs. Trust and communication on both sides are vital ingredients to a healthy dynamic. Again, I appreciate that some Dom/mes like to dictate their subs lives, make all their decisions for them, etc, but I question how healthy this dynamic is. Just because I am in control doesn’t (and shouldn’t) mean that I have to constantly exert that control. Surely if the control needs to be constantly enforced then the foundations weren’t very strong to begin with? Surely far better to encourage a submissive to show their respect to their Dominant by being the best possible version of themselves that they can be. By using their initiative to better themselves and finding ways to please their Dominant. This doesn’t exclude the Dominant party from taking complete control on occasion, but operating in this way those occasions become mutually pleasurable ways to reinforce the dynamic at appropriate intervals rather than constantly working to prop it up. I know I would find a sub who is confident in their submission and comfortable taking initiative far more valuable than one who constantly seeks attention and direction. The D/s dynamic should be pleasurable, enriching and valuable to both parties – not emotionally painful (I do appreciate some seek out physical pain for various reasons) and/or exploitative.
I think it’s also important to have a “safe space” for those new to/exploring submission. One where they can feel comfortable coming to terms with what submission means to them. Yes, eventually their submissive needs may evolve to encompass more elements/may become more “hardcore”, but more should be done to engage those new to submission with more reassurance and awareness of options available. Submission isn’t a “one size fits all” deal. It’s okay to dip your toe in the water and explore without engaging in humiliation. Humiliation isn’t a core aspect of submission and if I could shout that from the rooftops, then believe me I would!
Submission is a personal journey. Take your time and recognise your submission for the gift it is. Save it for someone special who deserves it, respects your gift and will take care of you.