Interpretations of dynamics and meanings can be rather fluid in the context of kink. Necessity of consent and awareness of what one is consenting to is held up as one of the “golden rules”, but I’ve found that understanding of the Dominant and submissive dynamics can be rather variable. Some people believe that to be dominant/in control you have to be loud or “in your face” and proactively “dominate” the submissive – demanding submission, insisting particular commands be followed, etc. Submissive people exist to be dominated. Except they don’t….attempting to dominate someone in such an aggressive and overbearing manner should, I would hope, be met with outright rejection.
Submission is not something that can or should be taken or demanded by a dominant individual. You don’t need to be loud or brash to be dominant – in fact personally I take the view that the more overtly “dominant” someone is, the less in control they actually are. They use the loud/in your face approach to try to compensate for their lack of actual control. Plus, being dominant doesn’t just mean being in control of others – to be genuinely dominant a steady level of self-control and awareness also has to apply.
So – how does this apply to the submissive dynamic? Well, submissiveness is surprisingly misunderstood. There are many, many misconceptions including the idea that if someone is submissive that they are submissive toward any dominant person. This idea is utter nonsense but is surprisingly prevalent. The reality is that it is entirely possible to not be submissive (or even have a tendency toward an alpha personality), except toward a handful of people or perhaps even a single individual. I have multiple boys who day-to-day are successful alpha businessmen but toward me they feel submissive. It surprised many at first and there was definitely an adjustment period for them as they came to terms with what this meant and how it would play out in their day-to-day lives. Many were worried that being submissive toward me would mean that they would/could become more generally submissive but they soon learned that this wasn’t the case. Submission is selective. The submissive chooses who they desire to offer their submission to.
Submission cannot be taken from someone by force. It cannot (and should not) be demanded. Submission is a valuable gift, offered by the submissive individual to someone that they trust and respect. It is given over time as trust and mutual understanding develops and is established. It’s entirely possible to feel submissive to someone whilst at the same time taking your time to offer your submission – waiting until you understand the implications of what you are offering and what you will receive in return.
The dominant party should understand and respect the fact that the acknowledgement and offer of genuine submission is an invaluable gift and respond and behave appropriately. The acceptance of an individual’s submission comes with certain responsibilities. The level of that responsibility will depend on mutually agreed terms. D/s is a dynamic. One that is continually evolving and requires the ongoing and freely given consent and understanding of both parties. The “dominant” party isn’t “dominating” so much as accepting the gift of submission and its associated responsibilities. Yes the dynamic is different on both sides, but both also have responsibilities and an obligation to ensure open and honest communication is maintained.
Submissives should never be made to feel obligated to surrender/submit, nor should they be demeaned/made to feel worthless or somehow “less than”. Attempting to do this is not being dominant – it’s being abusive.
My style of dominance is quiet – I am not loud/overt but my boys are never left in any doubt as to who is in control. They also know that I respect their gift of submission, take it seriously and always have their best interests at heart. Genuinely and freely given submission to someone you trust is liberating. My boys are liberated under my control and encouraged to be the best versions of themselves that they possibly can be for me. For their part, they give consideration to my wants and needs. They serve diligently and selflessly using their own initiative to find ways to please me. The result? A positive and stable dynamic that offers security and stability to my submissive and makes my life better as well. It’s mutually beneficial.
Remember to never undervalue the gift of submission. Either given or received. It is precious, has worth, and ought to be recognised as such. Embracing submission should enrich your life as well as the life of the individual you offer it to. Submission isn’t meek. It isn’t passive. It requires action, dedication and recognition of its value as well as of how submission can be of value to the person you serve. Submission should be selfish and selfless. Your satisfaction should derive from your proactive service to the individual you have chosen to surrender to. That individual should also be worthy of your submission.
You can be submissive to one or to many. You define your submission. You define its parameters and what you are comfortable with. A good Domme may push your limits (with consent), but they will also respect them and never break them. As a submissive you have a valuable gift to offer, but remember it is up to you to decide who is worthy of the gift and you define its value by your dedication. As a submissive you are not passive or less than. You are not unworthy. To successfully embrace your submission you need to appreciate your worth and also make a genuine effort to be worthy. To apply yourself and be genuine in your offering.
Any thoughts on what I’ve written? Have something to say? Leave a comment below.